It's been a while. I've been busy, I'm sorry. To be fair, I did warn you. In all honesty, over the last few months I haven't had anything to write about. At least, I thought I didn't. I started school in January, and since then my life has been a whirlwind of charcoal drawings, funny-smelling acrylics, and coffee binges.
I was reflecting recently on how I never update this blog. And, to be fair, I made an agreement with myself from the get-go that I wasn't going to force it. I don't have the time or the mental capacity to figure out what in my life is worth writing about. If it demands to be written, it will make itself apparent. Right?
Yes and no.
I was listening to someone speak recently, and he talked about how concerned our generation is with "grace." And I realized the truth of the statement, at least for me. We recognize situations as either graceful, or "awkward." And I know personally, I am incredibly concerned with my reputation and how I am percieved. I have a constant fear of coming across the wrong way, or misrepresenting myself. And I realized this is a large part of the reason I have been very careful about what to post on this blog, and it has been holding me back. I have been so afraid of the "awkward" that I don't expose myself at all. So here's to attempted transparency.
Something that struck me recently about living in NYC, is how easy it is to feel like a failure. When you are surrounded by a city full of ambition, energy and momentum, it is hard to feel justified when you are sitting at home eating a tub of ice cream and binge-watching reality TV. There is (at least for me) a lot of pressure to succeed, and, failing that, at least be working toward success. At all times. It can be overwhelming.
I realized this weekend that I cannot constantly be moving. I need down-time. If I don't get it, I end up burnt out, with nothing but sub-par work and a dull sense of self-loathing to show for it. And that just won't do.
It's easy to say the solution is to "not care" about what people think. Ignore them - after all, I am the only one that is going to look out for my interests, right? But it's not quite that simple. I chose to live where I do. And, as such, the aforementioned pressure is entirely self-imposed. I don't have a personal motivator in my ear, making me feel like crap when i sit down for a breather (although, in some ways, I need that). The real answer is to get over my own barriers and unrealistic standards. And that can take some time.
But, in the meantime, I'll keep plugging away.
